”how
To the anon who felt like he/she was far away from God. You’re not alone.

I always come back to You Lord
No matter how far I run away
No matter what distance stretches
Like a vast crevasse between us
I always look back to where You are.

All this time, I thought you left
Because I no longer felt you there.
But You never did. You never will.
Turns out, I did the leaving.

herarbitrarymusings
"I wish my feelings
could tumble out of my mouth
so I do not drown."
Haiku #3

Waiting for the Lord’s timing means
understanding that I need nothing
but my relationship with Him.

You see, I’ve been bogged down by
the man I want to marry, coveting
godly men when God hasn’t
prepared them for me.

I wasn’t really waiting in Jesus.
I was waiting for the perfect man
to sweep me off my feet so
I can claim we found each other
through our intimacy with Him.

In the middle of my illusion,
God opened my eyes to
reveal my own deception.
I was too focused on me,
and on “the one” that
I’ve completely lost track
of God’s redemption.

He’s not just a husband-giver,
blessing-doler, healer & comforter.
He’s the Savior, our Savior, my Savior.
He’s the Messiah, the Lord of all.

So I fall on my knees and ask
for forgiveness, for worshipping
the wrong ‘god’ in the middle
of my singleness. I pray that He
lets my life reflect His glory, & that
my heart pursues His will only.

—Note to self: While I’m Waiting || Part I

herarbitrarymusings

When God decides I’m ready,
He will allow my path to intertwine
with the man He has chosen.

When a man is so lost in Jesus that
constellations are written on his skin,
spelling God’s name, I will love him dearly.
I will be his second priority after God,
but I believe it’s the best place to be.

When a man pursues my heart, 
he knows it’s buried deeply in God.
He wouldn’t have found me otherwise.

When a man’s soul leads in maintaining
sexual purity instead of merely following
what I have to say, he is God’s gift
for waiting patiently in His own timing.

It’s easy to pave my own path, and
write my own love story when society
tells me that singles should hurry.
But I trust in the Lord’s timing for His
plans are better than everything.

—Note to self: When God Decides I’m Ready || Part II

When your chest suffocates
with every inhalation, and the
lobes of your lungs are inflamed
with an unknown anxiety,
it’s okay to not be okay.

When your hands are shivering
and your heart is cartwheeling,
and the corners of your eyes
are threatening to create tears,
it’s okay to not be okay.

When the ground disappears
from beneath your feet, and
your knees buckle at the weight
heaped on your shoulders,
it’s okay to not be okay.

Remember John 11:35
when Jesus wept?
So cry, scream, sob, sing.
The world will attempt to
drown you with its worries.
But at the end of the day,
remember who’s stronger.
Remember His power.
Remember that He has
already overcome.

When the world tries to
make you forget about
the fact that you were
saved by His selfless death,
remember where your
permanent home is.

—Note To Self: It’s Okay To Not Be Okay
This is written while having a panic attack in an attempt to cope with it. I haven’t had a panic attack in a while…

herarbitrarymusings

When a man tells you,”I’m happy you’re mine”,
run until your ankles are swollen and the
soles of your feet are caked with mud.
Refuse to be anyone else’s but God’s.

When a man steals a kiss, no matter where,
please do not hesitate to leave. Your body
is no one else’s but God’s and the man
He has written in the lines of your story.
Your body is not a footnote of extras nor
it is a satiation for the curiosities of the world.
Your body is His temple, and it is His own.

When a man exists for himself and for his
selfish pleasures, walk away faster than
you’ve ever walked before. You are made
for selflessness and a God-filled life, 
not facades and saccharine lies.

When a man’s standard of love is of
this world, expect ephemeral affection.
No love can measure up to God’s,
and if it’s a love that’s not in Him,
it will fade away into oblivion.

You see, if you’re hoping for a man
who lives in needing Jesus more than
he needs you, never settle for anything
less than what God has planned for you.

—Note to self: When God decides I’m ready

You spent most of your life
hiding behind your walls,
mistrusting, severing
ties, and calling
loneliness as
your companion.

But when you are
loved so infinitely,
it fills you so
much so that you
love and love
and love and love.

Your walls crumble,
trust grows stronger,
and your strength
is derived from
a God who is greater.

We struggle because
we try too hard on the
wrong things when the
real war is already won.

We check off lists on do’s and
dont’s, forgetting that His grace
is infinite, when all God asked
for is that we could be His own.

You are a loose cannon,
destroying everything in your path.
Never apologizing for the hearts
that bleed along your wake.

Like a mermaid’s song you
call sailors to their demise,
and you led me to a path
of complete turmoil.

But I willingly walk to the edge
of the cliff for as long as you
seal my death with a kiss.

You took my heart apart,
and then stitched it whole.
I could see the the threads
dangling on my aorta;
a reminder that my past
is who I was before.

It may bear my scars
but it will no longer
define my identity.

The future is illuminated
for who I am is Yours.

She fell in love
with broken things,
and attempted to
fix them with frayed
threads she pulled
from her skin.

They worked for a while,
but they faltered & eventually
left her over time.

She was enamored with saving
for she hoped they
could make her scars fold
from underneath her skin.

A year passed, and she
became too broken
before she finally realized,
she couldn’t save
broken hearts.

herarbitrarymusings

Hopelessness
has no room
in a life that
serves the
Epitome of
hope.

Time is not
of any
significance
in someone
who worships
the Author
of time.

Life has purpose
in a heart that
seeks the will
of Him who is
the beginning
and the end.

There are very
few things that
astound me,
yet Your love
never fails.

It is the
kind of love
that asks “How high?”
when I say jump.

It is the
kind of love
that asks “How much?”
when I say it’s
not enough.

It is the
kind of love
that sees me
in all my mortifying
flaws, and makes
me realize that
I’m done with
what counts as
love in the world.

You’re all
I need.

The world has become
a playground of sorts.
Whoever gets their
hearts stolen the most
was the supposed loser,
of course.

I’ve had an ounce of my heart
stolen by a drummer who called
me his earthquake because
I shook his world.
(He laughed when I groaned)

Another ounce was for a painter
whose mouth tasted like
raspberries and felt like silk.
He told me that my favorite
color wasn’t a color at all.
(He said black makes him sick)

Two ounces for the poet
who left typewritten
notes on my bed, and
wore his reading glasses
in narrow-mindedness in red.
(His bigotry was in the way)

Three ounces for the
broken boy who kissed me
in the movies, and told
me that his heart felt as
lightweight as a feather.
(He always made me smile)

I told him that
a woman’s heart
weighs eight ounces,
while a man’s heart
weighs ten.
(He didn’t answer)

As I sat in the dark,
with his arms snaked
around my neck,
I wondered who
stole the rest of
his heart away.
(He never did tell)

I saved bits & pieces
of myself on the dip
of your clavicles, and
the calloused lines
of your fingertips
so you don’t miss me
when I leave.

I buried my poems
inside your mouth
so every word you
utter becomes
a reminder of our
mating lips.

I love too fiercely,
and I swore to fall
no more. So tell
me why you’ve
become
a shiver down
my spine, and
the first name
I dial to call?

»
Saved by His grace.

Hello there, stranger!
Jane. Filipina. Los Angeles, CA

This blog will be mostly about who God is in my life, but I will be posting random stuff as well. You can check my prose and poetry to see who I used to be. But now, I am fierce of lover of Jesus Christ. I draw my strength from His faithfulness, my peace from His love and my identity from His grace.
John 3:30

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